Tuesday, December 01, 2015 • 10:25

Filling space while on vacation

April 30, 2014
My wife and I decided to take vacation time, for about five days, and my only concern was how little time I had to write my weekly column for the Roadrunner. I also reminded myself that I used to write for a daily newspaper, so how hard can it be to meet a weekly deadline? Get it together, Doug!

It didn't really take long to solve the issue. I haven't been saving notes, quotes, and anecdotes for 40 or more years not to be able to use them when needed – or to share them with a willing (I hope) audience.

So this week I'm filling space – something every writer must learn to do when a worthwhile idea has yet to materialize. Still, this should be entertaining, so here goes:

From my abundant files of trivial nonsense I found this explanation of Male vs. Female at the ATM machine.

Male Procedure: 1. Drive up to the cash machine; 2. Put down your car window; 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN; 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw; 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt; 6. Put the window up; 7. Drive Off.

Female Procedure: 1. Drive up to cash machine; 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine; 3. Set parking brake, put the window down; 4. Find handbag, removes all contents to the passenger seat to locate card; 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up; 6. Attempt to insert cart into machine; 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car; 8. Insert card; 9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page; 11. Enter PIN; 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN; 13. Enter amount of cash required; 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror; 15. Receive cash and receipt; 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside; 17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook; 18. Recheck makeup; 19. Drive forward two feet; 20. Reverse back to cash machine; 21. Retrieve card; 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card hold holder and place card into the slot provided; 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you; 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off; 25. Redial person on cell phone; 26. Drive for two or three miles; 27. Release the parking brake.

Now that I have offended a few women, I will continue on and ignore the sage advice that says when you find yourself in a hole quit digging. So here are some quotes about women in general.

+ The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run – John Barrymore.

+ A woman will flirt with anybody in the world as long as other people are looking on – Oscar Wilde.

+ Women should be obscene and not heard – Groucho Marx.

+ There is nothing as similar to one poodle dog as another poodle dog, and that goes for women, too – Pablo Picasso.

+ Nature has given woman so much power that the law cannot afford to give her more – Sam Johnson.

+ Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both – Nicholas Butler.

+ Women would be more charming if one could fall into her arms without falling into her hands – Ambrose Bierce.

Of course, in the sense of fair play, I need to offer famous quotes on husbands:

+ The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his wallet open – Groucho Marx.

+ Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient – H.L. Mencken.

+ The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin – Honore de Balzac.

+ A husband is what's left of the lover once the nerve has been distracted – Helen Rowland.

+ A woman who takes her husband about with her everywhere is like a cat that goes on playing with a mouse long after she's killed it – Saki.

+ Lady Astor: If you were my husband, Winston, I'd put poison in your tea. Winston Churchill: If I were your husband, Nancy, I'd drink it.

To close, let's talk about age by saying Old is When:

+ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

+ The older you get the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

+ How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

+ Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It is more often a succession of jerks.

+ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

+ For many people the golden years are really the metallic years: gold in the tooth, silver in the hair, lead in the rear.

+ First you forget names, later you forget faces. Then you forget to pull your zipper up, later you forget to pull your zipper down.

P.S. I saw a great bumper sticker as I was preparing for my trip. It said: I know exactly where I am; I've been lost here before.

P.S.S. I also viewed a cartoon which read: Four out of every three people struggle with math. And another one showing President Obama telling the Crimean people that if they like their country, they can keep their country.

Had enough? Well, I may follow-up one day with an Ode to Chicks, otherwise known as why the chicken crossed the road. Wait for it. Or not.

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