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Saving Middle Earth


May 07, 2014
In 1978, Camp Pendleton erected a two-line sign along Interstate 5 with the words "Preserving California's Precious Resources" and the circular Marine Corps emblem in the middle. There was just one problem, and it wasn't that Camp Pendleton was focusing on environmental stewardship prior to the modern green movement.

The animated Hobbit movie had been released the previous year, and reading the first column of the sign can give the impression that Camp Pendleton is "Preserving Precious," especially with the ring just to the right of those words. While I'm not doubting the ability of the First Marine Division to wipe out Sauron's troops, there are other environmental measures which can be taken to help save Middle Earth.

• Effective Smaug Control

Dragons breathe smoke, which creates carbon emissions. The best way to eliminate dragons is to find a missing segment of their armor and then obtain a qualified archer to hit that vulnerable area.

• The Ent Justifies the Means

Trees inhale carbon dioxide while emitting oxygen, so trees are your friend. Make conversations with the trees, and they'll likely assist you in your quest. You'll also have the benefit of engaging in lengthy conversations, so don't be in any hurry as the trees are exhaling.

• Stone Trolled

Using artificial light wastes energy, and it also fools trolls. Trolls are turned to stone during daylight, so the lack of light allows daylight to sneak up on them.

• There's CO in Attercop

Under many circumstances spiders can be "beneficial insects" (even though they are arachnids, "beneficial insects" refers to good bugs eating bad bugs), but spider webs can require water usage to clean off one's body as well as paper towel usage to clean from structures. A trusty sword will enable you to dispose of spiders without chemical pesticides.

• Don't Wrap Birthday Presents

Wrapping birthday presents can create more waste for landfills. There's also the possibility that the part of the wrapping may fall inside the perimeter of a birthday gift and make the wrapping paper impossible to see, which increases the chance that the birthday gift itself will be lost.

• Don't Mine Others' Business

Overmining can release balrogs into the surrounding environment. Keep mining to a minimum, and you'll not only help save Middle Earth but also possibly save yourself from a balrog.

• Eat Six Meals a Day

Washing dishes can waste water and detergent, so it's more environmentally friendly if you have more dishes to wash. Eating six meals a day makes dishwashing more efficient. Additionally, it can reduce unnecessary travel since adventure makes one late for dinner.

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